Find Me Again
by CallidoraMalfoy1228
Summary: Cory Matthews and Topanga Lawrence are divorced at twenty-three years old after Cory has a rather life-changing realization. This realization sends Cory into a downward spiral. It isn't long before Shawn pulls him out of it. But, when Cory reveals his feelings for Shawn, their lives change yet again. For once, it is not Cory who has to save Shawn. It Shawn who must save Cory.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Cory Matthews and Topanga Lawrence are divorced at twenty-three years old after Cory has a rather life-changing realization. This realization sends Cory into a downward spiral. It isn't long before Shawn pulls him out of it. But, when Cory reveals his feelings for Shawn, their lives change yet again. For once, it is not Cory who has to save Shawn. It Shawn who must save Cory.

 _Author's Note: This is going to be my first multi-chapter BMW fic. As usual, it is a Shawn/Cory slash fic with Topanga playing a supporting role. There is absolutely, positively nothing romantic about Cory and Topanga's relationship in this fic. I don't think I need to say it but this is obviously an AU. Flames will be deleted so, if you don't like this story, do yourself a favor and just don't bother leaving one. If you do, enjoy, however, I'd love to hear about it! Hope you enjoy._

 _Callidora._

 **One**

Cory was drunk. Which probably wasn't the best idea. But he hadn't exactly been making stellar decisions lately so it wasn't like this particular decision made any difference. Still, the thought of what Topanga would say if she could see him right now had him setting his still-full glass of whiskey back on the nightstand. He glanced around the dingy motel room he'd booked. There were two empty bottles of whiskey on the floor and a third, half-full one on the nightstand. He'd been here for four days, wallowing in self-loathing and grief over a marriage that was doomed from the start.

He didn't want to think about Topanga right then, didn't want to think about the fact that he hadn't kept his promise to her. He'd promised that he would never leave her, never stop loving her. Cory had sworn that their marriage would last the way her parents' marriage never had. And yet here he was, less than five years after he'd put a ring on her finger, and he had done exactly what he'd promised her he wouldn't do. He wanted to regret it, wanted to know that he still felt something for her beyond friendship, but he didn't. The knowledge that he no longer loved the woman that had been his reason for existing since they were babies was enough to have him lifting the glass to his lips again.

Whiskey burned his throat the way her name burned his tongue. Cory hated it. Hated her, almost. Logically he knew that this wasn't her fault. She couldn't have done anything to make him this way. In fact, he was probably born this way. Just one more bullet on the list of Reasons Why Cory Matthews Is A Screw-Up. He'd put so much time and effort into loving her, into pushing aside everything else that made sense in his life just to be with her and it was all for nothing. Cory wasn't even sure if he'd ever actually loved her or if he'd only deluded himself into thinking he had in order to avoid facing the truth. That thought sounded cold and callous even to his ears; he didn't want to think about how it had sounded to her.

It wasn't even really about Topanga. It would have been the same no matter what woman he married. Any woman he'd been married to would have been left heartbroken the same way Topanga had been. The thought made him want to throw the glass across the room in frustration. He took a long drink instead, leaning his head against the wall. He couldn't seem to get the look on her face out of his mind now even though he'd been drinking himself into forgetting everything else for four days now. He'd forgotten his father's name at one point but he couldn't forget the look of absolute devastation on Topanga's face when he'd told her that he didn't love her anymore. That he didn't want to be married to her anymore. The sound of soft, broken sobs that had burst from her lips when he'd told her that maybe he'd never loved her.

She'd cried for a long time, he remembered. When she'd asked him why, looking at him with those eyes so full of pain and desperation, he'd been unable to lie to her. So he'd been honest, he'd told her that he had been born deformed, that he didn't want to be married to any woman. She'd been the first one to put a label on the feelings in his chest. _Gay._ She'd whispered the word, almost to herself, and she hadn't looked at him. Her expression hadn't been disgusted. Not exactly, at least. She'd just looked…broken. Like he'd ripped the moon from her sky without a single warning. And maybe…maybe that was how she felt. God knew he felt terrible enough about it himself.

Cory hadn't known what to do. He'd only been able to stare, wordless and broken, as she'd fallen apart before his eyes. There had been no hugs, no apologies. How could he apologize, really? Saying sorry didn't change the fact that he was breaking her heart. Saying sorry wouldn't make her feel better. And so he'd said nothing. Hadn't even reacted to the sight of her tears. He'd only packed a suitcase and walked out of their apartment, leaving his wedding ring on the table as he went. And that had been the end of their marriage. An entire childhood and five years of marriage laying on the kitchen table, discarded as if it were a piece of junk mail.

The worst part about it was that Topanga had never once shouted at him. She'd never once been angry with him. She hadn't even begged him to stay. Her eyes had only watched him, sad and haunted. Cory had heard the screaming sobs begin when the door had slammed behind him and he'd almost gone back, had almost taken it all back. But he hadn't. Instead, he'd forced himself to keep walking. He'd walked until the sound of her sobs had been only a memory in his head, haunting him in both waking hours and sleep. They still echoed in his ears, even though almost three bottles of whiskey had attempted to suffocate them. It was enough to have him pressing his palms against his ears in a failed attempt to block out the sound.

He'd slept in his car for two days before coming to the motel. Before coming, he'd stopped a small liquor store to buy the whiskey. Six bottles. The clerk had given him an odd look but Cory hadn't offered any sort of explanation. He'd only paid for the liquor and left, driving sixty more miles until he reached the motel he was currently sitting in. The way he figured it, he would either die here in a pool of vomit or someone would come after him. Probably Shawn. His best friend would probably be the first person to take it upon himself to come after him.

But Shawn wouldn't be coming for at least three more days. He would go to Topanga first where he would undoubtedly be told that Cory was a freak. Oh, she wouldn't use that word. She probably wouldn't even use the word gay. She'd find some other way to say it, one that made Cory look like an even bigger screw-up. That wouldn't be her intention of course but that would be the result. Shawn would find him repulsive after that, of course, but he wouldn't be an ass about it. They would remain friends but there would be a distance between them, a wedge that would grow wider with every passing year. And then there would come that day when Shawn would just stop talking to him all together. That was going to hurt like Hell, Cory knew, but he would get through it. He had time to prepare himself for it. And he would prepare himself. He would not be blindsided by the loss of his best friend. When the time came for Shawn to make his final exit from Cory's life, there would be no shock.

He took another sip of whiskey, closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath. Cory couldn't remember a time when he'd felt more like dirt than he did right now. He couldn't honestly remember hating himself more than he did right then. Sighing, Cory lifted the glass again only to find that it was empty. He poured himself another glass and drank from it. His head was swimming just a bit, enough to make him slightly tired. Good. Maybe he would sleep for more than an hour tonight. He was laying down, setting the glass down. A banging on the door had him sitting upright again.

He wobbled his way over to the door, not too sure how he was still walking upright. But he made it to the door and pulled it open. A familiar face stood there, glaring at him. The glare softened slightly when the person fully saw him. The man shoved his way past Cory, not even bothering to ask for permission. Cory sighed. As much as he hadn't expected it this soon, he probably should have seen it coming. After all, the man had spent their entire friendship doing the exact opposite of what Cory thought he was going to do.

"First off, you stink Cor." Shawn Hunter said, plugging his nose.

Cory tried to glare but he was aware that it probably not very intimidating. "Shower's too far away." He said, as if that made all the sense in the world. Which it did in Cory's mind.

"You're also a goddamned idiot." Shawn reached out and shoved Cory back onto the bed. "Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for your dumb ass?"

Cory shrugged. "Dunno." He said thickly.

Shawn sighed, rolling his eyes and beginning to clear away the discarded bottles. "Topanga called me four days ago. I called you over two hundred times. You didn't answer. I thought you were dead, Cory."

"Left my phone in the car. Don't want to see people."

"I'll say it again. You are a goddamned idiot Cory." Shawn sighed heavily. "By all rights, I should punch you in the face for worrying me."

"So do it." Cory said, glaring up at him in what he hoped was a defiant manner.

Shawn shook his head. "No. It looks like you've been doing a good enough job of beating yourself up."

"Deserve it." Cory said. It was becoming harder and harder to string a sentence together.

Shawn's face softened. Cory wanted it to harden. He didn't like pity. "You do not. You're a fucking idiot but I'm not going to hit you." He paused. "I don't know what happened or why you went insane and left Topanga but I figure you had a good reason."

Cory was very, very confused. Hadn't Topanga told him? He couldn't find his voice to say this, however, so he stared at Shawn in confusion before the other man shook his head.

"She told me I'd have to ask you why you left. Something about it not being her place to say. You can tell me in the morning. Right now, you are going to get in the shower because you smell like a barrel of whiskey. And then you are going to sleep because you look like shit." Shawn said.

"Can't stand up." Cory said.

"No shit Sherlock. I'll help you. Now come on. I'd like to sleep sometime soon."

Cory just stared. "Shawnie…"

"Cory Matthews. If you don't get up and into the bathroom, I'll carry you there myself."

Shawn pointed towards the bathroom, his face set in a determined line. Cory just stared at Shawn. His best friend was supposed to be angry at him. He wasn't supposed to take care of him.

"Oh trust me Matthews, I'm pissed at you. But it's my duty as your best friend to take care of you when you've gotten yourself into trouble. I'll punch you in the face when you're sober."

Cory, who hadn't realized that he'd spoken out loud, was sort of comforted by that. At least someone was angry with him. That was the way things were supposed to be. Cory screws up. Shawn is angry.

Shawn was watching Cory, his eyes narrowed. Cory wondered if he was speaking out loud. As if hearing his thoughts, Shawn rolled his eyes at the ceiling. Sitting on the toilet, Cory stared at the shower. Shawn wanted him to take a shower but Cory didn't feel very steady on his feet. This was not a good idea.

"Cory, I said I would help you. Get in the shower and get undressed." Shawn said, sounding tired and irritated all at once.

"You don't want to do that. You'll catch my disease." Cory muttered, sounding even to his own ears like an angst ridden twelve year old.

Shawn's eyebrows furrowed the way they always did when Cory said something that confused him. Usually it was because Cory was being smart. This time it was because Cory was making no sense. A moment passed, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Cory figured that Shawn was probably wondering how fast he get away from here.

"Will you shut the hell up and get in the shower?" Shawn groaned.

Cory looked at him but didn't say anything. He struggled with his clothing for a few minutes. The whiskey flooding his veins made him clumsy and Shawn's arm shot out to hold him upright. When Cory reached into the shower to turn the water on he almost fell over and Shawn gave a muttered curse. He shoved Cory back down onto the toilet seat, muttering about drunken idiots and something else that Cory didn't really catch. He figured that Shawn was insulting him to keep from punching him.

"That's exactly what I'm doing, idiot." Shawn said and Cory realized that he'd been speaking his thoughts aloud again. He'd always done that when he was drunk and it was usually funny. Right then it was just annoying.

When Shawn was satisfied with the water temperature, he told Cory to get in. He complied with the request mostly because he didn't want Shawn to hate him. He hated himself enough as it was, he didn't need his best friend to hate him as well.

"Why the fuck would I hate you? God Cor, you aren't even attempting to make sense."

Cory glanced out at him. Shawn had taken his seat on the toilet and was staring at the ceiling. He'd thought he was making perfect sense, really. They were twenty-three years old and Cory was still fucking everything up. How could Shawn **not** hate him? He didn't understand how his best friend could even stand to look at him knowing about the disease that had invaded his life.

"Cory?" Shawn asked, his voice very quiet.

"What?"

"Do you…have cancer or something?"

"Not that kind of disease, Shawn." Cory replied, his voice shaking.

"Then what the hell are you talking about? You're not dying are you? Because if you're dying and you've gone and left Topanga in some stupid attempt to save her pain…I swear I'll kill you myself."

Cory wanted to laugh at that. "Be easier if I was." He said instead, not looking at Shawn.

When Shawn spoke next, his voice was soft and filled with worry. The sound of it sent sharp spikes of pain into Cory's heart because he didn't like that. It wasn't his intention to worry Shawn. It wasn't his intention to worry anyone. He simply wanted the pain to end, wanted to not be a wreck anymore.

"You aren't…suicidal are you?"

Cory had to think about that. Really, honestly think about it. He didn't think he'd actually kill himself. But if someone – or something – came along and wanted to do it for him he wouldn't object. Anything to get rid of the burning hole in his chest.

"Not suicidal." He replied and Shawn's shoulders slump in obvious relief.

Cory didn't tell him that he was wishing that he **were** suicidal because then he could just remove himself from this equation. Or, at least he didn't think he mentioned it. Shawn's immediate intake of air reminds him that he's probably doing that thing where he vomits everything that enters his mind.

"Cor. You're not…why would you even think that?" Was all Shawn could say.

"I'm gay. You can't cure that. I'll never be normal again."

Cory's voice was barely a whisper but it was immediately obvious that Shawn had heard him. He went still and silent, his eyes never leaving Cory's face. Cory had been finished showering for a full two minutes and was just standing in the shower, staring at Shawn, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Is…is that what this…meltdown is about? You're gay?" Shawn asked as if it were the most ridiculous thing on earth to have a meltdown about. Cory wondered if Shawn realized what gay meant. Maybe he thought it was some sort of virus.

Shawn huffed out a laugh. "I know what gay means, Cory. I just…that's not something to freak out about. Who gives a shit what you like in bed?"

Cory was immediately suspicious. Shawn was supposed to be repulsed. He was supposed to be looking at him with narrowed eyes and barely concealed disgust. He was **not** supposed to be looking at Cory as if there was nothing wrong with this.

"There is nothing wrong with being gay. It's not…it isn't something you need to lose your shit over."

"How would you know? You're not…gay." Cory couldn't help but to let the words slip from his mouth.

Shawn gave a snort of amusement. "Cory, I realized that I was bisexual when I was seventeen."

Cory simply stared at him, unsure of what to say. He hadn't known that Shawn was bi.

"It wasn't a big deal. And I knew you'd freak out about it. So I just didn't mention it."

"I…don't understand."

Shawn rolled his eyes and tossed a clean pair of underwear and pajama pants at him. "You're drunk. I'm surprised you remember your own name."

Cory pulled the clothes on wordlessly. Shawn watched him and led him back towards the bed when he'd finished. Cory slid into bed, his eyelids heavy and his brain feeling very soft. Beside him, Shawn slid into the bed beside him. Shawn didn't seem to be laying down, though. He was sitting up, staring at the ceiling.

"Shawnie?" Cory whispered, his voice thick.

"What Cor?"

"Don't…don't leave, okay? I don't wanna be alone again…"

Cory didn't know where that came from but there was suddenly a pit of fear in his chest, swallowing him whole. He was terrified to wake up and find himself alone again, to find that he was alone with his thoughts and his pain and everything else he couldn't get rid of. He didn't want to wake up and find Shawn gone because Shawn was the only one who could possibly get him through this.

"I'm not going anywhere Cor. Just go to sleep, okay? I'll be here when you wake up."

So Cory did. Shawn's words were comforting. Shawn wasn't going to leave him. He was going to help Cory pull through this. Feeling the warm weight of his best friend settling in beside him, Cory let himself fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: This chapter is through Shawn's eyes. There is a bit of replay here in terms of conversation. But it will pick up where the last chapter left off. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review._

 _Callidora._

 **Two**

Shawn Hunter was more confused than he'd ever been in his entire life. He'd been at work when Topanga had called him. Luckily, he'd been on break when she called otherwise he wouldn't have got the call at all. She'd been frantic, her voice fast and desperate sounding. He'd known at once that there was something wrong with Cory. She'd never sounded so…lost before.

The story she told him was one that he'd never believed would actually happen. Cory, she said, had left her. Topanga wouldn't tell him why his best friend had seemingly lost his mind. She'd only said that it wasn't Cory's fault, that he couldn't help what happened. But he was missing, she said. No one – not even Cory's parents – had heard from him in two days. That hadn't been abnormal for Shawn. He and Cory had both been busy with their own lives lately, there hadn't been much time for friends. Still, it was decidedly **not** normal for Cory to ignore his parents.

So Shawn left work early, telling his boss that a family emergency had come up and he needed to deal with it. It wasn't a lie, not exactly. Cory **was** his family. They'd been friends forever, Cory's family had been there for Shawn when no one else had been. And so of course Shawn was going to do whatever he could to look for his best friend. Cory may have lost his mind but he was still Shawn's best friend. And he had a feeling that Cory needed him. It was the feeling in his chest, tight and worried, that told him that Cory was out there somewhere, beating himself up most likely. The thought of Cory alone and hurt was one that Shawn didn't like. Had never liked. He'd always done his best to make sure that he was there when Cory needed him. Only this time, he'd been busy at work and Cory had probably convinced himself that he shouldn't bother Shawn.

Four more days passed and they were all getting steadily more worried. Cory's parents were frantic. They'd all tried calling him but there was never any answer. Shawn himself had tried calling him so many time he'd lost count but, again, there was no answer. He was beginning to think that something unthinkable had happened. A car accident maybe. Cory had been pretty out of it when he'd left, Topanga had said, maybe he crashed his car. But Shawn didn't let those thoughts continue.

The lucky break happened at three in the morning on the sixth day of Cory's absence. Shawn had a friend from work who also had a part-time job at a motel. It was sixty miles away from Cory and Topanga's apartment and Joey, Shawn's work buddy, said that he'd definitely seen Cory. Cory had paid with cash and was in room eighteen. Shawn called Amy Matthews and simply told her that he thought he knew where Cory was and that he would call her when he had more information.

He drove the sixty miles to the motel with his heart in his throat. Cory's car was in the parking spot in front of room eighteen and the light was on in the room. Which meant he was definitely here. Shawn schooled his features into a glare, trying to look angry and disproving. His face fell, however, when the door swung open.

Cory looked like shit to put it lightly. There were deep purple bags under his eyes and he looked like he'd been crying. His hair was disheveled, like he'd been running his fingers through it. His ears were red too, like he'd had his hands pressed against them. He was also very obviously drunk. The scent of whiskey clung to him like a cloud of smoke.

Shawn had known him for pretty much his entire life and he'd never seen Cory this upset. It was, he decided, something he never wanted to see again. He pushed past Cory and into the motel room. His best friend was staring at him with wide, confused eyes. Shawn glanced at Cory. The other man was standing in front of him, staring at him with a look of disoriented confusion. He was wobbling slightly.

"First off, you stink Cor." He plugged his nose as he said this, mostly for effect.

Cory glared at him, though the effect was more comical than it was scary. "Shower's too far away." He explained in a thick slur.

Shawn ignored that. "You're also a goddamned idiot." Cory wobbled again, dangerously, and Shawn shoved him back onto the bed before the drunk man fell. "Do you know how long I've been looking for your dumb ass?" He asked.

Cory just stared at him. "Dunno." He said, seeming to have trouble stringing a sentence together.

"Topanga called me four days ago. I tried calling you over two hundred times, most likely. No one knew where you were." Shawn took a deep breath, calming himself before he went into hysterics. "I thought you were dead, Cory."

This was the thought that had kept Shawn from sleeping for more than two hours a night. It was the thought that had sent him into hysterical tears that had forced him to pull over to the side of the road. Shawn had long since realized that Cory was the most important person in his life. There was no one else that Shawn cared about more than he did Cory and the mere thought of his death made Shawn feel as though someone had taken the heart out of his chest. It was the most painful feeling Shawn had ever experienced and he didn't want to think about what he would have done if he'd been right.

Cory was looking at the floor. Whether he was ashamed or just too drunk to focus, Shawn couldn't tell. "Left my phone in the car. Don't wanna see people."

How bad was this? Cory had never been one to hide himself away. Shawn felt the ball of worry in his chest knot tighter. "I say it again. You are a goddamned idiot Cory." He let out a long breath. "By all rights, I should punch you in the face for worrying me."

"So do it." Cory said, glaring up at him the way he always had when Shawn pissed him off. Defiant and challenging, that look took Shawn back to his teenage years. But he shook his head, forcing himself to roll his eyes. Cory was trying to pick a fight. And Shawn was not going to give in. Not yet anyways.

"No. It looks like you've been doing a good enough job of beating yourself up." He said, watching as Cory's cheeks flushed.

"Deserve it." Cory said, looking at the ground again. His voice was small and thick and the raw pain in it struck Shawn hard in the chest.

"You do not. You're a fucking idiot but I'm not going to hit you." He paused, considering his next words. "I don't know what happened or why you went insane and left Topanga but I figure you had a good reason." Because it was Cory and he **would** have a good reason. He'd been chasing after Topanga since they were kids. There was no way the he had just left her for no reason.

"Didn't Topanga tell him?" Cory muttered and it was obvious that he didn't know that he'd spoken. Shawn was used to this. Every time they were drunk, Cory seemingly lost the filter that stopped him from saying whatever entered his mind. He was constantly talking, saying every thought that entered his brain.

"She told me I'd have to ask you why you left. Something about it not being her place to say." Shawn rolled his eyes. "You can tell me in the morning. Right now, you are going to get in the shower because you smell like a barrel of whiskey. And then you are going to sleep because you look like shit." Shawn explained, pointing towards the bathroom.

"Can't stand up." His best friend pointed out, looking very confused.

Shawn gave another sigh. "No shit Sherlock. I'll help you. Now come on. I'd like to sleep sometime soon."

"Shawnie…"

The sound of the old nickname twisted Shawn's heart. Cory hadn't called him that in forever. Not since the first year of his marriage. He and Topanga had their first married fight and Cory had called him. The sound of that nickname made Shawn feel very, very sure that whatever it was that had caused this, it was something huge. Still, Shawn put on a stern face and pointed towards the bathroom.

"Cory Matthews. If you don't get up and get into the bathroom, I'll carry you there myself."

Cory stood, staring at his feet. "He's supposed to be angry at me. Not supposed to take care of me." He muttered, looking confused and a little lost.

"Oh trust me Matthews, I'm pissed at you. But it's my duty as your best friend to take care of you when you've gotten yourself into trouble. I'll punch you in the face when you're sober." Shawn replied, walking close behind Cory.

Cory mumbled something under his breath about walking not being a good idea. He did look pretty unsteady, though, Shawn noticed with a long sigh.

"Cory, I said I would help you. Get in the shower and get undressed." Shawn said, forcing himself to sound as irritated as possible.

Cory sat on the toilet and refused to look at him. "You don't want to do that." He said. "You'll catch my disease."

Shawn felt his heart drop. What on earth was Cory on about now? He'd never heard him say something so…dark, before. Did Cory have some terminal illness or something? Was that the cause of this? His heart dropped even further at the thought and he shook his head to rid himself of the thought. He would not think about that until Cory told him so.

"Probably wondering how fast he can get away from me." Cory mumbled, still not looking at Shawn.

"Will you shut the hell up and get in the shower?" Shawn asked with a groan.

Cory didn't answer him. Shawn reached out an arm to keep him upright as he struggled with his t-shirt. His jeans were on the floor already but he couldn't seem to figure out how to get out of his t-shirt. When he'd finally gotten it off, he nearly fell over trying to turn the shower on and Shawn shoved him back onto the toilet, muttering under his breath about drunken idiot best friends.

"He's insulting me so he doesn't punch me." Cory mumbled, watching Shawn adjust the shower water.

Shawn grinned to himself. Cory's habit of talking while drunk had always made him giggle. "That's exactly what I'm doing, idiot." He said, rolling his eyes at his best friend.

He stood back to let Cory get in the water, which he did. He was still talking to himself as he climbed in the shower, mostly things that Shawn didn't understand.

"Do what he says. Don't want Shawn to hate me. Hate myself enough, thanks." Cory muttered, leaning against the shower wall.

That didn't make any more sense than the last thing he'd said. Why in the hell would Shawn hate Cory? The very idea was unthinkable.

"Why the fuck would I hate you? God Cor, you aren't even attempting to make sense." Shawn said, rolling his eyes heavenward.

Cory muttered something, too low for Shawn to hear. He caught the end of it, though, and was even more confused. He said something about a disease that had invaded his life. What was going on? This time, Shawn couldn't keep the fear from his voice when he spoke.

"Cory?"

"What?" Cory asked, confused.

"Do you…have cancer or something?" His heart felt like it was in his throat.

It was Cory's turn to roll his eyes. "Not that kind of disease, Shawn." He said in a shaky voice.

"Then what the hell are you talking about? You're not dying are you? Because if you're dying and you've gone and left Topanga in some stupid attempt to save her pain…I swear I'll kill you myself." Shawn forced himself to sound angry. Really, the very idea made him want to cry.

"Be easier if I was." He wouldn't look at Shawn, keeping his eyes on the water dripping down the shower curtain.

"You aren't…suicidal are you?" God, the mere idea of Cory wanting to kill himself made him feel slightly sick. He closed his eyes against the sudden pain in his chest, wanting to lean over and throw up. After a while, Cory replied.

"Not suicidal." He answered. Shawn slumped in relief, though he hadn't missed the fact that Cory had had to think about it.

"Wish I was, though. Could make this end…" Cory mumbled, not realizing that he'd spoken again.

Shawn felt himself gasp. He hadn't known how much one sentence could hurt before that second. God. Cory wanted to be suicidal. He wanted…he wanted to end….Shawn couldn't even finish the sentence. He blinked back a sudden rush of tears that filled his eyes at the thought of Cory dying.

"Cor. You're not…why would you even think that?" Was all Shawn could ask.

"I'm gay. You can't cure that. I'll never be normal again." Cory's voice was matter-of-fact when he spoke.

Shawn stared at his best friend. Cory had finished with his shower and was simply standing in the shower, with a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked so small and…almost afraid that it made Shawn's chest ache.

"Is…is that what this…meltdown is about? You're gay?" Shawn felt like this was a very anticlimactic thing to say. He'd thought there was something huge going on.

"Wonder if he knows what gay means." Cory muttered, staring at Shawn strangely.

Shawn laughed. "I know what gay means, Cory. I just…that's not something to freak out about. Who gives a shit what you like in bed.

"Should be disgusted. Looking at me like there's nothing wrong…" Cory mumbled.

"There is nothing with being gay. It's not…It isn't something you need to lose your shit over." Shawn said, staring at his best friend.

"How would you know? You're not…gay?" Cory said, looking like he hadn't really meant to say that.

Shawn was amused because, didn't Cory know him better than that? Of course, Shawn had never told Cory because he hadn't wanted a freak out. But…he'd thought it obvious. "Cory, I realized that I was bisexual when I was seventeen." He said. He left out the part where he'd only realized it because he'd fallen in love with Cory. There was no way his best friend needed to know that."

"Didn't know that…" Cory whispered.

"It wasn't a big deal. And I knew you'd freak out about it. So I just didn't mention it."

"I…don't understand." Cory whispered, looking hurt.

Shawn tossed a clean pair of underwear and pajama pants to Cory. "You're drunk. I'm surprised you remember your own name."

Cory rolled his eyes, pulling the clothes on. Shawn led him out to the bed where they both climbed in. Shawn watched Cory lie down and close his eyes, staring at his best friend for a while. After a while, Cory spoke again.

"Shawnie?" Cory's voice was small.

"What Cor?"

Cory's voice held both fear and hurt in it when he replied. "Don't…don't leave, okay? I don't wanna be alone again…"

Shawn didn't like to hear Cory's voice like that. Cory should never be afraid or hurt. It wasn't right. "I'm not going anywhere Cor. Just go to sleep, okay? I'll be here when you wake up." Shawn said, settling himself in beside him.

Cory fell asleep almost right away but Shawn lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling. Something told him that everything in their lives was about to change in a major way. Whether that change was good or bad…Shawn would be there for Cory. The way Cory had always been there for him. He would never leave Cory to deal with this on his own. With that thought in his head, Shawn fell asleep and slept better than he had since Cory disappeared.

They didn't wake up until noon the next day. Or, at least Cory didn't. Shawn woke up at nine in the morning. Thankfully, he didn't wake Cory when he slipped out to get donuts and coffee at around eleven thirty. Still, he left a note on Cory's nightstand just in case. The curly haired man was just waking up when Shawn entered the motel again, arms laden with donuts and coffee.

"Coffee?" Cory asked, staring at Shawn with barely open eyes.

Shawn nodded, shutting the door behind him. Cory immediately grabbed for a cup of coffee the second Shawn sat them down. Shawn took a seat beside Cory on the bed, holding his own coffee and a chocolate filled donut in each hand. They ate and drank in silence for a long time. After a long moment, Cory placed his coffee cup on the nightstand and leaned forward, placing his head in his hands. Muttering under his breath, Cory's back began to shake. Shawn highly suspected that Cory was crying which was a theory that was quickly proven when soft sobs began coming from the general direction of Cory's mouth.

Reaching over to place his coffee and half-eaten donut on the nightstand, Shawn slid closer to Cory and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Cory leaned against him, wordlessly sobbing. After a few moments, Shawn turned himself so that he was fully facing Cory and wrapped both arms around his best friend. Cory buried his face in Shawn's shoulder and sobbed for a long time. It hurt his chest to see Cory like this but Shawn knew that there was nothing he could do except to be there. He tightened his hold a bit as Cory fisted his hands in the back of his t-shirt.

After a long time, it was over. Cory leaned against him for a long while, his breathing heavy. It took a few moments for Cory to lean away. When he finally did, he covered his face with his hands and gave a trembling sigh. He didn't seem to want to look at Shawn, choosing instead to look at his hands. Shawn waited for Cory to look at him for a long moment. After about ten minutes, he realized that this wasn't going to happen and reached out to pull Cory's hands away from his face. The other man looked stunned, staring at Shawn as if he'd grown a second head.

"Why did you do that?" Cory asked.

Shawn rolled his eyes. "I want to look at **you** Cor. Not the backs of your hands."

"Why?"

"Because you're my best friend, Cor."

"Don't know why. I mess everything up."

"You do **not**. What on earth makes you say that?" Shawn asked, a little exasperated.

"I broke Topanga's heart. I'm gay and I'm in love with another man. I'm not in love with her. I did exactly what I swore I wouldn't do and stopped loving her." With every word, Cory's eyes filled with more pain.

"That doesn't mean that you mess everything up. You can't exactly control your sexual orientation. Trust me, I spent a very long time trying to control mine." Shawn said.

"What do you mean?"

"I tried to be straight for so long that it almost worked. I'd almost convinced myself that I wasn't gay. But that's not the kind of thing you can control."

"You're…gay?" Cory asked, confused.

"Yeah." Shawn sighed. "I realized it when I was sixteen but I spent the next five years avoiding the issue. I did absolutely everything I could to convince myself that I wasn't gay. And then, I turned twenty-one, and I realized that I can't change who I am."

"Yeah. I came to the realization that I was gay six months ago. But, up until a month ago, I didn't let myself acknowledge it. It was just this…thing in my head. And then Topanga and I got into that fight last month and I couldn't…I couldn't pretend anymore."

"What fight?"

Cory looked at him. "I forgot. I never told you." He looked down. "She started noticing that I was having trouble getting…getting it up. I couldn't make myself have sex with her anymore. She lost it one night. She planned this whole evening and…and I ruined it by trying to get out of sex. We started screaming at each other. I ended up leaving the apartment and spending the rest of the night wandering around on my own. By the time I returned the next morning, I knew that I had to end things with her." He sighed heavily. "But I ended up talking myself out of it. And then I fell in love. With a man. And I knew that I had to tell Topanga. There was absolutely no way around it." Cory looked pained. "So I did. I even told her who I'd fallen for. She was…supportive. Hurt. But supportive. It made everything that much harder."

Shawn looked at him. "So, who's the guy?" He asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I…can't tell you." Cory said.

"Cory. This is me you're talking to. Your best friend since forever. You can tell me anything." Shawn explained, staring at Cory who was now refusing to look at him.

"Not this. I…I can't tell you this. I lost Topanga. I…I can't lose you too." Cory's voice was now a whisper, so quiet it was almost too soft to hear.

"Cory, I can promise that you will **never** lose me. I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you can ever tell me that will cause me to leave. Haven't you figured that out by now?" Shawn was a little hurt that Cory thought he'd leave.

Cory shook his head. "You would. This….you'd leave. I…I can't…Shawnie…"

Shawn glared at him. "Why the fuck can't you just trust me? I've never, ever let you down. I've always been there." He found himself snarling, angry beyond belief.

Cory looked at the bed. "You're my best friend, Shawn. You…this isn't something you can handle."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

"Shawn, I can't…I can't…"

Shawn stood up. He couldn't explain why he was so angry. But his hands were shaking and he felt like he was going to hit something. After all they'd been through together, after all the shit Shawn had been there through, and Cory **still** didn't trust him? He wasn't going to sit here and deal with this. If Cory didn't trust him then there was no reason for Shawn to stick around. He stalked towards the door, turning around when he'd placed his hand on the handle.

"Fine. If you don't trust me, then I don't see why I'm even here. Have a nice life, Cor."

Cory stared at him, his eyes blazing. He didn't speak when Shawn opened the door, just stared at him with eyes that were filled with the sort of pain that twisted in Shawn's gut like a knife. Shawn turned towards his car, hearing the sound of unmistakable sobs coming from the room behind him. Even though it felt like it was going to kill him, he didn't turn back. He got in his car and pulled out, leaving Cory and the motel and his heart behind.

He'd go to Topanga, he thought. He'd tell her where Cory was and that he couldn't help her anymore. Cory didn't trust him anymore, Cory didn't care that that was the worst pain Shawn had ever felt in his life. It was right about then that Shawn felt the tears threatening to overtake him. He pulled over to the side of the road and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel. Loud, harsh sobs burst from his chest and he wrapped an arm around his chest, feeling as though his heart was gone. And it was, he realized, he'd left his heart in that hotel room with Cory.

Shawn had realized that he was in love with Cory when he was seventeen years old. At the time, he'd thought that being in love with Cory Matthews was the worst pain he'd ever felt. He'd been wrong. Losing Cory was the worst pain he'd ever felt. It was like being doused in acid. It burnt and it stung and he wanted it to end.

He sobbed for a long time, only pulling back onto the road when his eyes had cleared. He drove the sixty miles back to Topanga's apartment in silence, his chest still aching. Outside her apartment, he gave himself a shake and prepared himself to tell her that he couldn't help them anymore. Cory was on his own now. After ten minutes, Shawn got out of the car and walked up the four flights of stairs to the apartment.

Topanga was in her pajamas when Shawn arrived. She looked at him, taking in the puffy eyes and tear tracked skin and let him inside without a word. They sat on the couch and Shawn took a few long breaths before looking at the floor and speaking. If he looked her in the eyes, he was going to burst into tears. So he spoke to the floor.

"I can't help you anymore. He's on his own now."

"You found him." She said.

"He's in a motel. Sixty miles away. I stayed last night. This morning, he told me most of what happened. But…"

"What?"

"He told me that he's in love with another man."

Topanga glared at him. "Shawn Hunter, I swear to God that if you've left him all alone just because he told you that he's in love with you I am going to kill you." She said, her voice slow and careful.

"No. I left because he doesn't fucking trust me enough to tell me who it is. He wouldn't…even after everything we've been through together…he doesn't trust me." Shawn whispered.

Topanga slapped him. His cheek stinging, Shawn looked up at her. Her eyes were filled with tears and she was glaring at him.

"You don't listen to anything, do you?!" She snarled.

"What are you talking about?" Shawn asked, a hand pressed against his cheek.

"I just told you who he's in love with!" She shouted, the tears making tracks down her cheeks.

"Who?"

"You!"

"…What?"

"It's always been you!" She calmed herself slightly. "I was too blind to see it before. And he didn't want to see it until it slapped him in the face. But it's you! I thought he was going to rip his own heart out when you told him that you'd started seeing someone. I should have realized it then. I've never seen him look so lost." She glared at Shawn again. "He told me the day he ended things that it was you. That it had probably always been you. I gave him my blessing because I've always known that you loved him. Or, I thought you did."

"Christ…"

Shawn felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of his lungs. The tears were streaming down his face again, unchecked. He didn't really even care that he was crying in front of Topanga, didn't care that he was about to fall completely apart. The sound of the motel room door slamming on Cory's sobs filled his head and it was all Shawn could do to stop himself from sobbing out loud. Topanga was still talking, her voice lost in the race of Shawn's thoughts.

He'd left him. Cory had needed him and Shawn had let a stupid insecurity get in the way. God. Oh fucking God. He was aware that Topanga was still talking, to someone else now. Someone else who was in the room. But he couldn't breathe, couldn't even focus on them. All he knew was that he was the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Cory had needed him. Cory had begged him not to leave. The sound of Cory's voice, small and afraid and hurt, begging him to stay cut into Shawn's head and made him whimper. God…why wasn't Topanga slapping him? He covered his face with his hands and sobbed, his chest roaring and burning and aching.

A hand placed itself on his shoulder, firm but gentle, and Shawn looked up into the eyes of Alan Matthews. Cory's father was staring at him with a concerned look. He didn't deserve that. He'd left Cory. He'd fucked everything up again. Just like he always did. And this time he couldn't take it back. This time, somehow, Shawn knew that he couldn't fix it.

"I left him there. I left him alone. He fucking begged me to stay and I…I left." Shawn whispered, unable to look Cory's father in the eyes.

Alan shook his head. "It was a misunderstanding, Shawn. You thought he didn't trust you."

"No…you don't understand. He begged me to stay. Last night, he begged me to stay. And I promised him I wouldn't leave. But…he didn't trust me…and I got so mad….and now I…I fucked everything up again."

"No. No, Shawn, you didn't." Topanga was kneeling next to Alan, her face concerned and tear-stained. "Go back. Go back and tell him that you're an idiot and that you love him."

"He won't be there." Shawn couldn't say how he knew this. But he knew Cory. He knew that he wouldn't be there.

"We'll find him. We'll find him and you'll tell him." Alan said, his voice quiet.

Before Shawn could answer, his phone vibrated and he answered it without looking at the caller I.D.

" _I'm leaving, Shawn. I'm sorry I fucked up again. I'm sorry I…I didn't mean to. But, since I can't seem to get it right, I'm leaving. Since you'll never see me again…and I won't have to worry about your reaction…it was you. The man I fell in love with? It was you. I love you. Goodbye, Shawn."_

And then the line went dead. Before Shawn could even open his mouth to reply, Cory was gone. And Shawn wasn't going to see him again. He wouldn't get to tell him that he was an idiot. He wouldn't get to tell him that he loved him. Cory was gone. Cory was gone. Shawn felt himself fall apart. He felt himself shatter into a million pieces all over Topanga's floor as the phone slipped from his hands. The sobs coming from his chest sounded like screaming. They felt like razor blades. He sobbed so hard he was dry heaving before long, his whole body shaking with the effort. He could hear Topanga and Alan talking in soft voices as he kneeled on the floor, his body shaking and his heart in more pieces than it had ever been.

Shawn Hunter was dead. He was alive physically but everything that made him alive, that made him Shawn, it was all dead. Cory had taken everything, leaving nothing but an empty husk and Shawn knew that he would never recover from this. The knowledge hit Shawn like a bat over the head and finally the weight of pain and the exhaustion from crying knocked him out. His eyes closed and his breathing continued to heave with sobs, even after he was no longer conscious.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: This is a very short chapter. Cory's thought process is really dark in this chapter and he's not really thinking about consequences at this point. Hence why this is so short. He's acting on instinct and his instinct is telling him to run. I will say that this chapter ends with a suicide attempt. Also, Eric's words in this chapter are rather angry. Remember, he doesn't know how close to falling apart Cory is. All he knows is what his parents and Topanga have told him happened with Shawn. He knows that Cory disappeared for six days and then hurt Shawn. He's angry and rightfully so. He is not reacting with the intention of hurting Cory, he's only attempting to wake him up. Do not leave angry comments about Eric's behavior because I won't listen to it. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review._

 _Callidora._

 **Three**

Shawn wasn't coming back, Cory realized. It was like acid being poured into his chest. He sat on the bed, his body heaving from the pain. And this time there was no Shawn to hold him. No Shawn to take care of him. He'd ruined everything. All over again. God. Cory closed his eyes and let the pain take him away for a long while. He was vaguely aware that he was crying but he didn't have the energy to stop himself. Shawn was gone and it was Cory's fault. He'd done this. He'd sent his best friend away. Disgust at himself roiled in his stomach and he clenched his hands into fists.

He couldn't stay here. Shawn would go to Topanga. She'd tell him where he was and then he'd have her here, trying to make everything okay again. And Cory didn't want everything to be okay. Nothing was going to be okay again. He stood up, walking almost mechanically to his car. He sat in the driver's seat for a long time before he picked up the phone. He dialed the phone number more familiar than his own and waited for the pickup.

" _I'm leaving, Shawn. I'm sorry I fucked up again. I'm sorry I…I didn't mean to. But, since I can't seem to get it right, I'm leaving. Since you'll never see me again…and I won't have to worry about your reaction…it was you. The man I fell in love with? It was you. I love you. Goodbye, Shawn."_

He hung up, not giving Shawn a chance to speak. And then he drove. Without a destination in mind, Cory just drove. His phone rang again beside him and he picked it up, flinging it out the window. He couldn't hurt them anymore. He wouldn't be the cause of their pain anymore. Vaguely, he was aware that he was driving towards his brother's place. He had to at least say goodbye to Eric. He and his older brother had fought like hell growing up but he couldn't leave without saying goodbye to his brother.

It was a two hour drive to Eric's place. Eric was, thankfully, the only one home when he got there. He knocked on the door, hands shaking, and Eric answered it almost immediately. His older brother let him in without a word.

"I'm just here to say…to say goodbye." Cory said.

"Goodbye? Really? That's all? No, hey, I'm sorry for calling my best friend and shattering his heart. No, hey, how's Shawn doing? He's not dead, right?" Eric's voice was derisive and angry, his eyes narrowed.

"What…what are you talking about?"

"Dad just called. Shawn showed up at Topanga's. They were trying to tell him to go back to you, to fix this, when you called." His older brother took a deep breath. When you hung up, Shawn collapsed. He seems to have cried himself into exhaustion, dad thinks. Dad's not mad at you, of course." Eric snorted. "Me, on the other hand, I want to punch you."

"What…why…?"

"You of all people know how Shawn is. You know how important trust is. You refuse to trust him and then, to add insult to injury, you tell him he'll never see you again." Eric was breathing hard now. "Are you fucking blind, Cory? He's been in love with you since you were kids! I wasn't mad at you for leaving Topanga. She made sure we knew that she didn't blame you. But I'm fucking pissed at you for this. Out of everyone you could have hurt, you had to do it to Shawn."

Cory took a deep breath. "This is for the best. Shawn…he'll find someone better. I won't…I won't be the cause of his unhappiness anymore." He whispered.

Eric shoved him. "You're a coward, Cory. And you need to leave before I do something I'll regret. Besides," He said, "I've got to get to Topanga's. They're afraid to leave Shawn on his own. I'm gonna do what I can to help him." He glared again as Cory backed towards the door.

"Fine. I'll go. None of you will ever see me again. This…this is best. You'll see. I promise."

Cory was in his car then, driving away and away and away and he wasn't breathing. Eric's words slammed into him. He'd hurt Shawn. He'd…Shawn never cried. Ever. And Cory had hurt him enough to make Shawn cry. The thought made Cory want to die. And really, what was stopping him? Maybe, if he was gone, Shawn could move on. They all could. He hadn't been suicidal last night. Last night, Shawn had been there and Cory felt sure that he would get through everything with him there. But Shawn was gone now and Cory…he couldn't do this. Not anymore.

He wasn't thinking about it as he yanked the steering wheel towards oncoming traffic. A pickup slammed into him, sending the car flying across the road. Pain burst through Cory's body and he felt strangely proud of himself as he lost consciousness. His last thought was a wish, a wish that someone would take care of Shawn now that Cory couldn't.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Another kinda short chapter. Just the family reacting to Cory's accident, supporting each other. Cory won't wake up for a few chapters yet, mind you. It's going to be Shawn and the rest of the family supporting each other. When he does wake up, though, the real work begins. I hope you enjoy and remember to review._

 _Callidora._

 **Four**

Shawn woke to the sound of voices whispering. Eric was there, he could hear Cory's brother talking in an angry tone somewhere behind him. Topanga's soft tones answered, calm and quiet.

"You're awake." Amy's voice was quiet. He hadn't noticed her there before.

"Yeah." Shawn whispered, his throat rough.

Eric was before him then. "My little brother is an idiot and a coward. And he'll come to his senses. You just have to be patient." He said by way of greeting.

"No. No, I'm the idiot. I didn't even give him a chance. I just left." Shawn whispered. He felt hollow, empty.

"I agree, it was stupid of you to leave like that. But Cory knows how much trust means to you. The fact that he was unwilling to trust you…it wasn't something you could have ignored, Shawn." Eric said, sitting down on the couch beside him.

The house phone rand and Topanga went to answer it. None of them spoke while she was gone. Shawn was too numb to speak. He was surprised into giving a small gasp when Topanga rounded the corner and slapped Eric as hard as she could in the face, tears streaming down her face.

"Shawn, we're going to the hospital." She said.

"Why?" He asked.

She glanced at Amy and Alan. "Cory's in the hospital. There was a car accident. The police think it was…they think he tried to commit suicide. Eric…he and Eric got into a fight…and Cory…he purposefully pulled his car into oncoming traffic." Topanga gave a sob. "He's in critical condition. They…they're doing surgery but they don't know if he's going to make it."

Eric had gone white. Shawn stood, his heart racing. He grabbed his keys, aware that Alan and Amy were doing the same, urging Eric to his feet. They half-ran to the cars, none of them able to speak through the fear clogging their throats. Shawn was on autopilot. He drove where Topanga directed him, his knuckles white around the steering wheel.

At the hospital, they had to wait for Eric, Amy, and Alan to catch up. Topanga stopped him outside the hospital room.

"It's going to be okay. When he hears your voice, Cory will fight. He'll fight for you. Just…just tell him you love him. Tell him he has to do this for you." She said, hugging him very tightly.

"Topanga, I…I'm sorry. I'm sorry…."

She cut him off. "Shawn, I think I've always known that it was going to be you two in the end. You and Cory were…you were meant for each other. I was just a stepping stone along the way. Just…go in there and bring him back to us. Okay? He won't fight for us. He'll fight for you."

Eric's voice sounded from ahead of them. "Shawn…they're asking us to talk to him. Mom and dad and I have agreed that you should go first." He said.

Shawn nodded, following Eric into a small room. There, on the bed, was Cory. He was hooked up to tubes and cords and machines. Shawn's chest ached at the sight but he forced himself to walk to Cory's bedside. His eyes were closed. Shawn wanted them open. He wanted to see the brown eyes. Would he ever see them again? Shawn's throat was tight but he swallowed and forced himself to speak.

"I'm sorry, Cor. I'm sorry, okay? I'm an idiot and I don't deserve you. But I love you Cory. I love you and I don't mean as a best friend. I've been in love with you since I was sixteen and I'm sorry that I left you alone. I didn't mean to hurt you." Shawn gave a sob and then bent to press his lips to Cory's forehead. "You have to fight this. You have to come back to me. You can't leave me Cor. I can't do this without you. Please…please just come back to me. I promise I'll never leave you again. I'll be by your side until we're both rotting in our graves. Just…please, please don't leave me. Not like this. I love you…"

Shawn kissed Cory's forehead and forced himself to back from the room. He stopped at Topanga's side and hugged her. They leaned against each other for a long time, sobbing together. Shawn didn't know what he was going to do if Cory didn't make it. If he lost him…if Cory died…Shawn didn't think he could handle that.

"He'll make it." Eric said. "He's strong. And he knows you love him now. He'll fight. He has to." His voice was soft.

"I know he will. He has to because I can't do this without him. He's been the only constant in my life. I can't…I can't imagine a life without him."

"If he dies, it'll be my fault." Eric whispered.

"No. You were angry. You didn't know he'd do this. Eric, this isn't your fault." Shawn said.

"I shouldn't have yelled at him." He whispered.

"Stop. We both failed him in some way. But blaming ourselves isn't going to help him. We've got to be strong for him. He's going to need us when he pulls through this." Shawn said.

Topanga nodded. "Shawn's right. Cory is going to need us. All of us. We have to be strong for him." She said.

"Topanga is right. The doctor said he's going into surgery now and they're hopeful. He's got some swelling on his brain but the doctor is sure he'll make it." Amy said, sitting down between Shawn and Eric. She wrapped her arms around their shoulders and pulled them close to her.

"Shawn, I think he heard you." Alan said. "The doctor said his blood pressure started to improve after you left. He heard you. He knows you're here. And he's going to come back to you."

"He has to." Shawn whispered.

"He will. He loves you, Shawn."

"Come on, Shawn. Let's go get something to eat." Alan said.

"I can't leave."

"It's going to be a while yet. They'll page us if there is any word."

Amy nudged his shoulder. "Go on, sweetie. Alan's right. It's been a long morning and you need food. We'll go in turns so that there's always someone here for him."

"Okay."

Alan was silent as they walked. When they got in the elevator, he spoke.

"You have always been my son, Shawn. You are my child every bit as much as the others. I do not blame you. You are the reason my son is fighting. If he didn't know that you were here, waiting for him, he would be gone. I know Cory, Shawn. I know him. And he will come back. Just…you know you'll always be my son. And we're going to get through this together."

Shawn's eyes filled again. "Thanks. I just…I can't lose him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't lose him. Not now. Not before I've even told him that I love him. I…it would kill me."

"You won't. Let's get some burgers so we can go and let the others go get food, shall we? I have a feeling it's gonna be a really long day."

"Okay."

They headed into the hospital cafeteria together, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Alan was right, Shawn thought. This was going to be a very long day. He already felt so exhausted that it felt like he'd been hit by a truck. Sleep would feel pretty amazing at that point. But he couldn't let himself relax before Cory woke up. Alan ordered two burgers and they sat down, eating in silence. They were standing up when Alan's phone went off. He spoke into it for a few seconds, his face gradually relaxing.

"He's out of surgery and in recovery. Amy and Eric have seen him and Topanga's in there now. The doctor said he wants you up there as soon as possible. Cory's blood pressure improved last time he heard your voice, he thinks maybe you being there will help him do better." Alan said, smiling.

Shawn felt the weight of the world resting on his shoulders as he and Alan hurried back towards the elevators. He wouldn't let Cory down again. Not now. Alan placed a hand on his shoulder, offering silent comfort and support, as Shawn prepared himself to do everything he could to save Cory's life.


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Here we have Shawn talking to Cory. The rest of the Matthews family (aside from Eric and Topanga) aren't in this chapter but they will be in later chapters. Unlike what I said before, Cory will wake in the next chapter. Which means we get to see a little bit through Cory's eyes next. Keep in mind, Cory's not at his best right now. This isn't going to be easy for him to work through. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review._

 _Callidora._

 **Five**

Cory looked so small lying in the hospital bed. His eyes were still closed but he looked peaceful this time. Shawn sat in the little chair by the bed and took Cory's hand in his own. For a long time, Shawn simply stared at him. There was so much he wanted to say but he couldn't figure out where to start. So he sat for a long while, staring at Cory's face, thinking about all the times he'd taken for granted that Cory would always be there.

"I'm probably the only person who understands why you'd try to kill yourself, you know." Shawn kept his voice low, listening to the beep of the monitor that tracked Cory's heartbeat.

"When I was eighteen, I'd been in love with you for a full year. I hadn't told anyone because I didn't want anyone to think I was…disgusting. I hadn't yet fully accepted that I was gay and I hadn't even really tried to come to terms with being in love with you." Shawn sighed, squeezing Cory's limp hand. "I came so close to killing myself that year and no one else even knew it. No one knew that I wanted to die because I didn't want to be coddled or yelled at."

He paused, staring down at Cory. "I remember one night, we'd gotten into an argument about something, and I had fully convinced myself that I was better off dead. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a handful of pills when you called." Shawn gave a small, humorless laugh. "I threw the pills in the toilet and then went out to see what you wanted. I never got that close again but there were a few times that I wanted to do it."

"That's how I know how you felt. I've been there. I know how much it hurts to think that the person you're in love with doesn't want you. Trust me. It's the most painful thing on the planet. But you were wrong, Cor. I do love you. And I do want you. I've always wanted you. Which means you have to come back because I never got to tell you how wrong you were."

A hand placed itself on his shoulder and Shawn looked up to find Eric standing beside him. The other man took a seat on Cory's other side and looked at his little brother.

"You should listen to him, Cory. He's not lying. He really does love you." Eric said, staring down at his little brother.

He looked up at Shawn. "I don't know how he didn't see it for himself. Even back then, the fact that you were in love with him was pretty obvious." He laughed. "I remember once, mom and dad were talking and mom asked dad if he thought you'd ever marry. Dad just laughed and told her that the only person he saw you putting up with for the rest of your life was Cory."

"How was it obvious? I did everything I could to make sure no one noticed." Shawn asked.

Eric shrugged. "It was just the way you looked at him. Even then, I think he was in love with you. He just wasn't ready to realize it. You've always come first." He sighed, looking at Cory's still face. "We all liked Topanga but we knew, somehow, that it would be you and Cory someday. I think she did too."

A feminine laugh sounded behind them as Topanga stepped into the room. She dragged a chair next to Shawn and sat down.

"It took me a while to realize it. And when I did realize it, it kind of hurt." She sighed. "But, as long as Cory is happy, I'm happy."

Shawn looked away. "I remember when I realized how I felt about him…my first thought was that you were going to kill me."

Topanga rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't have. I would have been jealous, I can tell you that much. But…I wouldn't have been mad at you."

Shawn frowned at her. "Why would you have been jealous? You were the only thing Cory wanted back then." He asked.

"If Cory had realized how you felt about him back then, he probably would have realized his own feelings much sooner." She explained. "Then again, that might have been better. Maybe he wouldn't have thought he had to do this."

Shawn looked away, feeling guilty. He knew this was his fault. If he hadn't left Cory in that motel, none of this would have happened. He stared down at Cory, reassuring himself with the warmth of Cory's hand in his, and felt the guilt rolling around in his gut.

"This isn't your fault, Shawn. You didn't know that he'd do this." Eric said, sensing his thoughts somehow.

Shawn didn't look at him. "I should have. I should have seen it coming. I mean, I've known Cory forever. I know him better than he knows himself most days, I should have known that he was…that leaving would push this."

Topanga shoved his shoulder. "Shawn, you couldn't have seen it coming. None of us could have."

Shawn looked up at her. "You don't understand. Last night…I asked him if he was suicidal and he actually had to think about it. I should have known right then that this was a possibility."

"But you didn't." Eric sighed. "You were rightfully angry when you left, Shawn. It's not your fault that you didn't see this coming." He gave his head a little shake. "If anyone is to blame here, it's me. I'm the one who yelled at him before he left my house, who made him feel like shit."

Topanga shot Eric a look. "Eric, I was more than a little angry with him for that phone call. If he'd shown up at the apartment, I probably would have said something to him as well."

Shawn felt like rolling his eyes at them. "Neither of you should have been angry with him for that. He legitimately thought that I didn't care about him anymore. And then, Eric talked to him and he likely felt like he'd done more harm than good. Cory did this because we all failed him in some way. More so me because I'm the idiot that left in the first place."

They all turned to look at Cory, lying still and silent in bed before them. Shawn had never thought he'd see him like this and it felt like something was stabbing him in the chest. He squeezed Cory's hand again, watching as his best friend's chest rose and fell. He was alive. That was all that mattered to Shawn right then. Cory would wake up and then there would be problems that they would work through. But they would do it together. Staring down at his best friend's face, Shawn swore then and there that he would never leave him again.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: Here, Cory wakes up. The Matthews parents aren't featured much in this chapter because I wanted to focus on Shawn and Cory for a bit. Rest assured they WILL be brought back to interact more with Cory. Right now, they're giving Shawn time with him. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review._

 _Callidora._

 **Six**

The first thing Cory noticed when he opened his eyes was that his entire body hurt. The second was that he was alive. He hadn't expected that. He'd fully expected to die when he'd jerked the car. Therefore, the fact that he'd awakened was something that had his heart sinking. And then he glanced at his side, feeling something in his hand, and felt his heart stop. Shawn was there. Holding Cory's hand in one of his while looking at a magazine in his lap. Cory stared at him, his eyes very wide, for a long time. He knew he should say something, to alert Shawn that he was awake, but he couldn't find his voice. When Shawn finally looked up at him, his own eyes widened.

"Cor? How do you feel?"

Cory didn't know what to say. Why was Shawn even here? Shawn hated him. He stared at him, his eyes confused.

"Cory? Are you okay?"

Finally, he found his voice. "What're you doing here?" He asked.

"Where else could I be?" Shawn asked, as though he found it unthinkable to be anywhere else.

"I didn't think you wanted to be here." Cory admitted, his eyes on his lap.

"I don't want to be anywhere else, Cor."

The raw honestly in Shawn's voice made Cory look up, his eyes meeting Shawn's for the first time. His best friend was staring at him with an expression that made Cory want to cry. It was an expression that said that his heart was breaking. Had Cory done that? Was that his fault? Eric's words came flying back to him, each one punching him in the gut. He'd done this. He'd hurt Shawn. Tears clogged his throat and he closed his eyes against them, not able to speak through the sudden rush of memories that swept through him.

He'd done the one thing he'd sworn never to do. He'd hurt Shawn. He had always sworn that he'd never be one of the assholes that had hurt him. In the end, though, Cory was no better than anyone else in Shawn's life. He felt a tear slipping down his face. A warm hand reached out, wiping the tear from his cheek. Cory opened his eyes to see Shawn staring down at him worriedly.

"Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I…I can leave if you'd like. Eric and Topanga are right outside with Jack." Shawn said in a small voice.

"No!" Cory said quickly. "No…no don't leave. Please…" He hated the begging note in his voice but he couldn't control it.

"Okay. I won't leave. I just…I don't want you to cry is all. I thought maybe you didn't want me here."

"Are you stupid? I always want you here." Cory said without really thinking about it.

"I'm sorry for leaving the motel. I should have….I swore I wouldn't do that to you but I did and I'm sorry. I…I never meant to make you feel like you weren't wanted."

But Cory shook his head. "No. Shawn I should have just been honest with you." He swallowed hard. "But I was so scared that you'd…that you'd hate me. Everyone's already going to be angry enough when they find out that I left Topanga…I didn't want you mad at me too."

"I could never hate you, Cor. Never." Shawn smiled. "And for the record, everyone knows what happened with Topanga and they're not mad at you. Not even Topanga is mad."

Cory sighed. "I didn't want to hurt you but…I knew that if I told you who it was that I fell in love with, I'd lose you too and I couldn't risk that…"

Shawn sighed heavily. "Cory, nothing you could ever tell me would make me leave you. You've been my best friend since forever."

"Even if I told you I was in love with you?" Cory couldn't look at him, couldn't see the disgust on his face. So he focused on his hands instead.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem. I've been in love with you since I was sixteen." Shawn said in a forcibly light voice.

Cory's head snapped up, his eyes meeting Shawn's. There was no hint of untruth in his gaze, only a calm sort of fear. Fear of rejection, maybe, or fear of Cory's reaction.

"Are…are you serious?" Cory heard himself ask.

"Of course I am. I fell in love with you when I was sixteen and I've never been able to stop."

Cory frowned at him. "But then…why did you never say anything?"

Shawn raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you really have to ask that? I mean, you were head-over-heels in love with Topanga at the time. I had zero chance."

Cory gaped at him. Maybe he was in a coma and he wasn't actually awake. He'd been absolutely sure that Shawn would be repulsed by him. Instead, Shawn was admitting his own feelings. But…could Cory trust that Shawn actually loved him? Or was Shawn only faking it to make Cory feel better? The thought left a bitter taste in Cory's mouth.

"You don't have to tell me that you love me if you really don't..." Cory said, unable to look at Shawn.

Shawn snorted. "Come on, Cory. Do you really think I would do something like that? If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it."

Cory still couldn't look at him. He wanted to believe that there was truth in Shawn's words, but he couldn't. There was something inside of him telling him that he couldn't trust him, couldn't trust anyone. He wanted to trust Shawn but there was an aching in his chest that told him he couldn't.

"Cor, I swear I'm not lying. I love you." When Cory still didn't speak, Shawn gave a long sigh. "What do I have to do to make you trust me?"

Cory looked up at him, his blood suddenly rushing to his head. Shawn still didn't think he trusted him. And if Shawn didn't think he trusted him, he would leave again. The thought made Cory feel like vomiting. He closed his eyes against the sudden rush of tears that filled his eyes at the thought of Shawn leaving. Possibly forever this time.

"Shawn, I trust you. Believe me, I trust you more than anyone in this world. It's me I don't trust." Cory whispered, keeping his eyes on the bedsheet.

He could feel Shawn gaping at him. "What in the…Cory, that doesn't even make sense. How on earth can you not trust yourself?"

Cory looked at him then. "I mess everything up." He took a deep breath. "I mean, look at the first – and only – person I was in love with. I promised her I would never stop loving her and I did. I mean…Shawn…what if I screw things up with you? I don't think I could forgive myself if I did that."

Shawn laughed, sounding relieved. "Cory, can I ask you something?"

"Well, duh."

"How long have we been friends?"

"Since we were kids." Cory said, frowning.

"And, in that time, have you ever screwed anything up for me?"

"Well…"

"Cory, you have never screwed things up for me. You've always been my best friend. Nothing you can do would ever fuck things up for me. If we don't work out as a romantic relationship…then we don't. But nothing will ever change our friendship. You're the best friend I've ever had, Cor. All I'm asking is that you give me…us…a chance."

Cory looked into Shawn's eyes, searching his gaze for any sign of mistruth. When he found none, he smiled softly.

"Okay. Okay, I'll give us a chance." Cory said.

Shawn's whole face lit up, the grin stretching wide across his face. "Are you sure?"

Cory nodded. "I don't think I've ever been more sure of anything in my life. I know I want you…and if you say you want me too…then why can't we give this a try?"

"So, does this mean we don't have to hear you two pining for each other anymore?" A voice asked from the doorway.

Cory looked up to the doorway and Jack entering the room, Eric on his heels. As they watched, Jack reached back and linked his hands with Eric's, pulling him forward. Cory couldn't believe what he was seeing. Eric and Jack? When did that happen. Seeing his expression, Jack and Eric took seats beside Shawn.

"You look surprised." Jack said, smiling a little. Eric still hadn't spoken, he looked almost ashamed.

"You…and my brother…who has always been the biggest playboy on the planet…are a thing?" Cory asked, making even Eric smile a bit.

"I discovered that I was bi about a year after I met Jack. Last summer, we ended up in bed together after a night of rather heavy drinking."

Jack grinned. "The rest is history. We've been together ever since. Just haven't specifically told anyone because we think it's funny when they realize it."

Eric looked at Cory, his face intent. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Cory. I…I didn't think…"

"Shut up, Eric. You were angry and you were trying to make me use my head. It's not your fault I'm a brainless moron." Cory said, cutting off his brother's apology mid-sentence.

Jack smiled. "Thank you. I've had to put up with this blaming himself since I got off work at four this morning."

"So that's where you were. I wondered." Shawn commented.

Jack nodded. "We live together but I work graveyard shifts so I was asleep when Cory came over. And, because Eric didn't bother to call and tell me that anything had happened until after I was already at work, I was forced to work at least half of my shift before coming home." He rolled his eyes at Eric affectionately. "Luckily, a buddy I work with came in at the last minute to cover the rest of my shift."

Eric nodded. "He got here around midnight. I tried getting him to go home but he won't listen to me."

"I wasn't going to be able to sleep until I knew Cory was going to be okay." Jack said.

"Why don't you both go home and sleep? I'm sure Amy and Alan will be back soon. Besides, Topanga and I are here." Shawn said.

Eric yawned. "I think we will. Want me to send Topanga in?"

Cory was a little wary about that but he nodded anyways. He would take whatever Topanga had to tell him. After all, he was the one who had broken her heart. It was only fair that he listened to her. Jack and Eric patted his shoulder and left the room, speaking quietly to someone outside the room for a moment. A second later, Topanga stepped into the room.

"You're awake." She said, taking the chair next to Shawn.

"I suppose I am." Cory said.

"Good. Have you and Shawn settled things?" She asked, looking between them.

Cory looked at her. Why was she asking such an odd question? He'd broken her heart because he was in love with Shawn, why was she asking about him? He'd thought that Shawn would be last person she'd want to talk about. Realizing that she was still waiting for an answer, he spoke quietly.

"Yeah, we did. We've agreed to give things a try." He said in a soft voice.

Topanga gave him a brilliant smile. "I'm glad." Noticing his confused expression, she chose her next words more carefully. "I know you were expecting me to beg you to stay or to be mad at Shawn but I can promise you that I'm not. How can I be unhappy with this when I know it's going to make you happy? You and Shawn…I should have seen this coming a long time ago. I mean, you guys are closer than anyone else I've ever met. You take care of each other and I…I really don't think any of us want to see you guys apart ever again." She said.

Cory balked at the honesty in her tone. "But still, I made you a promise. I promised that I would never do that to you…and I did."

"There are some promises you can't keep. Cory, I knew from the very beginning that there was a possibility that you wouldn't be able to keep that promise. What's important to me is that we gave it our best shot. We did. There's not much else I can really ask for."

"I'm sorry it didn't work out like we wanted it to." Cory said, looking at her.

She smiled at him. "It's all right Cory. We both deserve to be happy and, if Shawn is who makes you happy, then I'm happy for you."

Cory looked at Shawn, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "He does. I think, with Shawn, I'll be happy." He said at last, watching as Shawn's entire face lit up.

"Good." She bent and kissed his forehead. "I'm going to head back to the apartment now. I'm needed at work in a few hours and I need a shower."

She left, leaving Cory and Shawn alone. Shawn lay his head on the bed and closed his eyes. Cory watched him for a moment before rolling his eyes and shifting slightly, making enough room for Shawn on the bed.

"Get up here." Cory said, nudging Shawn's shoulder with one hand.

"You sure?" Shawn asked.

"Of course. You look like you haven't slept and you're going to get a crick in your neck sleeping like that."

Shawn didn't say anything as he climbed into the bed beside Cory. Laying his head against Cory's chest, Shawn closed his eyes and was soon asleep. Cory followed not long after, never noticing the flash of his mother's camera from the doorway. Soon, there would be work to do and conversations to be had. But right now, the only thing Cory wanted was to curl against Shawn and sleep. So he did.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: I realize that I'm skipping quite a bit here with these next couple chapters but I can promise you that you aren't missing much. Here we have Cory leaving the hospital. I hope you enjoy and remember to review._

 _Callidora_

 **Seven**

The day had come for Cory to finally come home. They'd made the decision that Cory would stay with Shawn. He still didn't really feel comfortable being on his own and Shawn wanted him to stay close. And so, on a Friday afternoon two weeks after Cory's failed suicide attempt, he climbed into the front seat of Shawn's car and drove away from the hospital. They were mostly quiet as they drove, though it wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence. Shawn drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other wrapped around Cory's shoulders. The weight of Shawn's arm around his shoulders was comforting and Cory found himself reaching up to clasp Shawn's hand in his own.

The intimacy between Cory and Shawn was so natural, so easy. Cory was always slightly shocked by how easy it was to kiss him, to hold his hand, even to sleep next to him. It had never been that easy to do those things with Topanga. With her, a small part of Cory had always dreaded those actions. But it wasn't like that with Shawn. He welcomed the little bits of intimacy, down to the way it felt to curl around him at night. Shawn had always been taller than Cory but he was still the little spoon. Cory's arms were always a perfect fit for Shawn and it was the most comforting thing in the world to wake up in the morning and find Shawn laying in his arms.

Shawn was working from home now, writing another book. He had a small home office and he'd moved his computer in there. Cory had felt guilty about this at first but Shawn had made the point that he'd rather work in his pajamas than jeans any day. Besides, he'd said, this way he was able to spend all day with Cory. Meanwhile, Cory was taking time off work. Shawn had told him that maybe it was best to take time off, to stay away from stress and to just relax. It wasn't like Shawn didn't make enough money and Cory tended to agree that he needed the time away.

Pulling up in front of the small house Shawn had bought the year previous, they climbed out of the car and trudged up the walk towards the front door. Shawn unlocked the door and dragged Cory's suitcase inside before pulling Cory himself inside.

"Here we are." Shawn said, flipping on the living room light.

"It looks different than it did the last time I was in here." Cory commented, looking around.

Shawn smiled. "I did some rearranging when I came over here yesterday morning. The place was a mess."

Cory smiled at him. "You always were messy." He said softly.

"It's even worse when I'm writing." Shawn grinned. "I forget about almost everything else in the world."

"Does that mean that you're going to forget about me?" Cory asked.

Shawn leaned forward and kissed him gently. "Forget about you? Not even a remote possibility of that happening."

Cory smiled a little. "I'm glad to hear that."

"Come on, we'll put your suitcase in the bedroom and then make dinner."

Cory hummed in agreement, following Shawn down the hall and into the bedroom that they would be sharing. He dropped his suitcase beside the door at Shawn's request.

"We'll unpack later. I don't really feel like doing it right this minute." Shawn said, taking Cory's hand and leading him towards the kitchen.

"I don't have a kitchen table anymore so we'll eat in the living room." Shawn explained, noticing Cory's eyes lingering on the empty space in the center of the kitchen.

"What did you do with your old one?" Cory asked.

Shawn blushed. "I certainly didn't throw it at the wall." He said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Cory raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I was angry and it was in my way." He shrugged. "I regret it now, of course, but at the time I just wanted to throw something."

"What made you so angry that you threw a table?" Cory asked. He'd been angry before but never angry enough to throw a table.

Shawn didn't meet his eyes. "Nothing to worry about."

"Uh-huh. I don't believe you." Cory said. Shawn had used the tone he'd always used when he was trying to downplay how bad something really was. Having heard the tone a million times, Cory was well aware of what it meant.

"Really, Cor. It was nothing." Shawn insisted as he began to cook dinner.

"Shawn, I realize that I'm not…in the best place mentally but that doesn't mean you can't still tell me things." Cory said, leaning against the counter next to Shawn.

The other man looked down. "I got drunk one night not long after we came home from that weekend trip." He admitted. "I'd almost convinced myself that I was mostly over you but that damned trip made me realize that I wasn't. At all." Shawn sighed. "I got drunk one night…and I was angry at myself for having feelings that I couldn't control…and I threw the table at the wall."

Cory moved to stand behind Shawn, wrapping his arms around Shawn's waist and leaning his head against the man's back.

"You won't have to control those feelings again." Cory said. "Not anymore."

Shawn turned around and pressed a gentle kiss to Cory's lips. "And doesn't that make me happy."

Cory smiled against Shawn's lips. "Finish making dinner, will ya? I'm hungry."

Shawn nodded as Cory wandered out into the living room. The next few weeks would likely be the hardest of his life but he knew that they would be worth it. Being with Shawn, loving him, it was the best thing that Cory had ever experienced. He was only too happy to spend the next weeks with him. No, it wouldn't be easy. Cory still had a lot of insecurity and bad thoughts to overcome. But, as long as he had Shawn by his side, he would do it.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: I realize the last chapter was rather short and I apologize for that. It was mostly filler, anyways. This chapter, however, leads us – and Cory – back into darkness. Shawn loses someone kind of important to him and the consequences of that snap back at Cory. I hope you enjoy this chapter and remember to review._

 _Callidora._

 **Eight**

The next few weeks were, as Cory had predicted, quiet. He and Shawn made a routine for themselves. Shawn would work from around eight in the morning to around seven in the evening, stopping at noon for lunch. While Shawn was working, Cory was often cleaning the house or working on dinner or lunch. After dinner, they'd watch a movie or just sit in bed and talk until it was time for bed. Cory's parents had come around a few times, mostly just to check that Cory was all right.

Still, after a couple of weeks, Cory started to get a little bored. Thankfully, Eric was off work on a Friday and invited him out bowling. Sticking his head into Shawn's office, he smiled. Shawn was working in his pajama bottoms again. He had a cup of coffee – that in all honesty had probably gone cold by then – next to him and was typing furiously. Cory grinned, resisting the urge to go and kiss him. When Shawn was in this sort of creative mood, it usually wasn't a great idea to interrupt him so Cory just shut the door and left a note on the kitchen counter before heading out to Eric's car.

"Did you let Shawn know you're leaving?" Eric asked, smiling as they pulled out of the driveway.

"I left a note. He's in a creative mood today so I didn't bother interrupting him. He threw a pen at my head the last time." Cory grinned. "It's kind of adorable when he does that."

Eric snorted. "Guy throws a pen at you and you call him adorable. If I threw a pen at you, you'd call me psycho."

"That's because you're not Shawn. He's the only person on the face of the earth that can manage to look both grumpy and adorable all at the same time." Cory pointed out.

"Hey! Jack says the same thing about me!"

"Then he's delusional and needs his head checked." Cory said, fighting the grin that pulled at the corners of his lips.

"Hm. You're just jealous 'cause my boyfriend is cuter than yours."

"Two things. One: You're a girl. And two: Shawn is the cutest thing on the planet."

Eric laughed. "In your dreams. Have you seen Jack's ass? He's got the sexiest ass on the planet."

Cory blushed. "I have no wish to see your boyfriend's ass, Eric. I haven't even seen Shawn's ass." He said.

Eric burst out laughing. "You haven't seen Shawn's ass? Then how do you have sex?" He smirked sideways at Cory. "You a bottom little bro?"

Cory felt his cheeks turn scarlet. "I'm not a bottom! I just…we're waiting until the divorce is final to do anything like that!" He sputtered.

His brother laughed again. "So Shawn is the bottom, then huh? Never woulda guessed."

God. Shawn was going to murder him. "If you tell him that I told you that, he'll kill me."

"Oh, I won't tell him." Eric said, too innocently for Cory's tastes.

"Don't tell Jack either." Cory warned.

If Jack knew information like this, he would undoubtedly use it to tease Shawn. Shawn would then murder both Cory _and_ Jack.

Eric's face fell. "Damn. Fine, fine." He said, waving a hand.

"I'm serious, Eric! He'll kill Jack and then you and then me." Cory insisted.

"Don't worry, I won't tell him. I value my boyfriend's life, you know."

"What about my life?" Cory asked.

"Eh. Yours too. But Shawn loves you. He wouldn't kill you. Stop talking to you for three days? Oh yeah. But not kill you."

"You don't know that. He nearly killed me yesterday when I told him dinner was ready."

"Why?" Eric asked, pulling into the bowling alley.

"He was in a creative mood. I stuck my head in and told him to come and eat. He threw a pen at me and it nearly lodged itself in my forehead." Cory laughed. "He repented for an hour afterwards but it was still pretty funny."

Eric rolled his eyes. "At least that won't ever change." He said.

"What won't?"

"The way you two bicker." Eric grinned.

"Oh. No, that won't change. We bicker more now, actually. Last night it was because he kept stealing all the blankets. Night before it was because Shawn kept humming while I was trying to watch television." Cory rolled his eyes. "It's funner now, though, because I get to kiss him after we're finished."

Eric smirked as he paid for their entrance. "Trust me, it gets better. Wait until you can have make up sex." He laughed. "Sometimes, I swear Jack picks a fight with me just so we can have make up sex."

Cory laughed. "I can see Shawn doing the same thing."

Eric laughed again, leading Cory over to their lane. For the next two hours Cory and Eric bowled against each other. Eric won all four games and was incredibly smug about it. They stopped at a fast food place on the way home to get something to eat before he dropped Cory off at home. Eric himself wanted to get home before Jack went to work because Jack got annoyed if he didn't get to see Eric before headed out.

When they pulled into the driveway, Shawn's car wasn't there. It didn't really worry Cory. Once in a while, Shawn would drive down to work in the park or in a café or something. He must have taken advantage of the time Cory was gone to go and do something similar. Cory walked into the house and flipped on the lights. He was on his way to the fridge when he noticed Shawn's note laying on the counter. Picking it up, Cory felt his chest sink. The writing was scrawled and hurried; Cory could feel the madness behind it.

 _Cory,_

 _Stacy called. My mom died yesterday afternoon and I was preoccupied with taking care of you so I didn't get the call. I have to head home to make sure Stacy's all right. I'll be back tomorrow sometime if I can make it._

 _Shawn._

Cory felt his heart breaking all over again. Once again, he'd messed something up. Shawn had been so preoccupied with him that he hadn't been there to say goodbye to his own mother. There were tears in his eyes as he set the note on the counter. Even though Shawn hadn't directly said it, Cory knew that he was being blamed for this. Shawn had lost both of his parents now and he hadn't even gotten to say goodbye to one of them.

Suddenly, it was all too much. He'd told Shawn that this was a bad idea, that he could only ruin things. This was proof of that. Blindly, Cory found himself walking in the direction of the bathroom. His mind was spinning, the thoughts seeming hazy and unclear. He didn't know what he was doing. All he knew was that he wanted this to go away. He wanted to not be a problem anymore. Shawn had lost too much for Cory's sake. Cory wouldn't let him lose anything else.

He reached out, one hand closing around a bottle of sleeping pills on the counter. His doctor had prescribed them because Cory had a bit of trouble sleeping in the beginning. But, he'd been so comfortable with Shawn that he hadn't had trouble sleeping since he'd left the hospital. Stumbling out into the bedroom, Cory went to lay down. A part of him – the rational part of him – knew that he shouldn't be doing this here. But he couldn't listen to that part. He was on autopilot, his brain working only within the confines of a set program, it seemed. He dumped a handful of the pills into his hand and tossed them into his mouth. It was difficult to swallow and he fumbled for the water on the side of the bed but, eventually, he did swallow.

Cory closed his eyes, feeling warm and sleepy. He supposed this wasn't a bad way to die. At least there would be no mess to clean up for Shawn. It would be like he was sleeping. He wished it hurt more, though, because he deserved the pain. But that didn't matter. He was getting death, he was getting what he truly deserved. It didn't matter how it happened.

As he slipped into the final sleep of his life, Cory vaguely heard someone's voice. They were crying, it sounded like, and he struggled to retain consciousness. Still, he found himself falling into sleep before he could really figure anything out. Whoever it was, he hoped that they knew he loved them. And, someday, he hoped they found happiness without him.


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: Okay, so that last chapter was really heavy. Not much was really explained as to what was going through Shawn's head, I know. This chapter will clear that up so I won't say much. What I will say is that Shawn does NOT blame Cory for his mother's death. He was simply upset and scared. What he wrote was misunderstood by Cory, who still isn't fully healed. Also, there are definitely some underlying problems with Cory's mental health that will be dealt with in future chapters. Right now, we turn to Shawn…_

 _Callidora._

 **Nine**

Shawn didn't regularly talk to his sister. They had their own lives and they'd never really been all that close. Once in a while, though, she would call and check in with him. It usually didn't happen twice in one month, though, which was why Shawn's immediate reaction when she called was to frown. He answered it, though, pausing in his writing to talk to her.

"Hey Stace. What's up?"

"You have to come home, Shawn. Mom's…mom died yesterday afternoon." She said, her voice shaking.

Shawn's chest ached. "Why didn't you call me yesterday?" He asked, forcing himself to stay calm.

"I tried." She said, her voice hard. "Your phone was off."

Remembrance hit him then. He had turned his phone off the day before. Cory had been having a bad day and Shawn had taken the day off. They'd spent most of it in bed, talking and just relaxing.

"Sorry." He said, "I was busy yesterday. Give me a few minutes to get dressed and I'll be there." He said.

"Okay."

They hung up then and Shawn hurried into the bedroom to get dressed. He didn't really look at the clothes he'd picked out, just threw on jeans and a t-shirt before leaving the bedroom. His heart was hammering in his chest but he forced himself not to think about his mother. He had to get home before he fell apart. Stopping in the kitchen, he noticed that Cory had left a note on the counter. He'd gone bowling with Eric. It made Shawn smile a bit to see that Cory was getting out of the house. Today had obviously been a good day for him. He flipped the note over and wrote a quick one of his own, letting Cory know what had happened. He'd call later in the evening to check on Cory and make sure he was okay but right then, Shawn had to get going.

Unfortunately for Shawn, he'd only driven a few miles before he realized that he'd left his wallet at home. There was no way he could go anywhere without that. Turning around, Shawn headed back to the house. He hoped he'd put it where he could easily find it. He'd had a habit of leaving his wallet in random places around the house and then not being able to find it when he needed it. It was one of the most annoying things Shawn found himself doing.

He pulled into the driveway and hurried into the house, leaving the car door open as he drove. Cory was home, obviously, because the front door was wide open. Shawn smiled, thankful that Cory had come home. At least now he could tell him in person what had happened and maybe get a kiss before he headed out.

"Cory?" Shawn called out.

But there was no answer. Shawn frowned. Cory couldn't have gone far. Shawn had only driven for about twenty minutes before he'd had to turn around. Heading further into the house, Shawn felt his entire world crumble as he reached the bedroom. Cory was lying on his back, fully clothed. He wasn't moving and he seemed to be having trouble breathing. As Shawn moved closer, he saw a bottle of pills in Cory's right hand. It was empty. The bottle was empty.

Everything inside of him was crumbling but Shawn forced himself to keep moving. Beside the bed, he started calling Cory's name louder. He was aware of the tears streaming down his face but he couldn't bother to brush them off, didn't care anymore. Cory wasn't moving. He was barely breathing. Hurriedly, Shawn picked his phone out of his pocket and dialed 911.

"What's your emergency?" A kind female voice asked.

"I need help! My…my boyfriend took a bunch of sleeping pills and he's barely breathing!" Shawn forced himself to say, his heart beating even faster.

"Okay. What is your address?"

Shawn rattled off his address, voice shaking.

"What's your boyfriend's name, sir?" The woman's voice was kind buy Shawn felt like shattering.

"Cory Matthews."

"An ambulance is on its way, sir."

"Thank you."

The line went dead and Shawn pulled Cory's head into his lap, sobbing out loud. What had happened? Why had he done this? He'd been fine when they woke up that morning, cheerful even. Had something happened while he was out with Eric? Remembering Eric, Shawn dialed the man's phone number and waited.

"Hey Shawn, what's up?" Eric sounded cheerful. So…had nothing happened while they were out?

"I need you to get over here like now." Shawn said. "Cory…he tried to kill himself and I…there's an ambulance on its way…but I don't know what's happening!"

"Shit! What the fuck happened?" Eric's voice took on a terrified edge.

"I don't know. I wasn't home when he got back. My sister called. My mother died and I was on my way back home. I'd left a note on the counter and left. But I had to come back for something I'd forgotten and I found him." Shawn could feel himself losing control. "I don't know what the hell happened! He's barely breathing and I…oh God…I'm going to lose him…"

"Shawn, calm down. I've gotta call Jack. He took my car because his broke down. We'll meet you at the hospital, okay?"

"Okay." Shawn said, aware that the word was a whimper.

He could hear someone entering the house and looked up in time to see paramedics entering his room with a stretcher. They ordered him off the bed and loaded Cory onto the stretcher, talking to each other in fast voices.

"Would you like to ride with us, sir?" One of them asked.

Shawn nodded at the man, a taller man with greying red hair. He followed them out to the ambulance and climbed in after them. Grasping Cory's hand in one of his, he began to pray to whatever God was out there that Cory made it through this. He couldn't lose him. Not now. The paramedic was attaching things to Cory, speaking into a radio, but Shawn couldn't pay attention. His eyes lingered on the shallow rise and fall of Cory's chest.

At the hospital, they hurried him into the emergency section and Shawn was made to stay in the waiting room. He paced up and down, running his hands through his hair. God. He didn't understand why Cory had done this. Couldn't understand what had happened. Cory had been fine the last time Shawn had seen him. He'd been having a good day, even. Whatever had changed, whatever had happened, Shawn just wanted to know what it was. He wanted to know what it was that had sent Cory over the deep end again, to take it back somehow.

"Shawn!"

He glanced up at the sound of his brother's voice. Relief flooded through him at the sight of Eric and Jack hurrying towards him, their hands linked. Jack was the first to hug him, sensing the panic and fear flooding his system. For once, Shawn was relieved that his brother was there. There was no way he could get through this alone. Not when Cory hadn't even been breathing properly when they'd taken him back. Not when he could be…Shawn couldn't finish that sentence, though.

"How is he?" Eric asked.

Shawn let out a panicked breath. "I don't know. He was barely breathing when they pulled him back. They had oxygen on him."

Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "What the hell happened? Did you two fight or something?"

Shawn shook his head. "No. It…today was normal. Woke up at seven, ate breakfast together. I wrote until noon and stopped for lunch." He shook his head. "I was busy writing when Cory left with Eric and then Stacy called to tell me that my mom died and I didn't have time to wait for him to get home. I left a note, telling him what had happened, and left."

"Why did you come back?" Eric asked.

"Forgot my wallet. By the time I got back, he had already done it."

Shawn's chest was tight, it felt like all the oxygen was being sucked out of the room. He pulled in a deep breath and shuddered, still silently praying that Cory would pull through this.

"What did you say in the note you left?" Jack asked. "Maybe there was something in it that set him off."

Shawn thought about it and then paled. He wanted to punch himself. How could he be so stupid? What he'd written…Cory had read it and thought that Shawn blamed him. He sucked in another deep breath and nearly lost it. Holding himself together, he whispered the words he'd written in his letter back to Eric and Jack.

"I didn't…I wasn't blaming him. I don't even know why I wrote it that way!" Shawn said, feeling even more panicked now that he knew why this was happening.

"You were upset and you weren't thinking clearly. It's not like you were blaming him." Eric said, his voice patient.

"If he dies it'll be my fault." Shawn leaned forward and put his head in his hands. "I'm going to lose him and I can't blame anyone but myself. Oh God…"

Jack's arm tightened around his shoulders. "This is not your fault, Shawn. You can't control how Cory reacts to things. None of us can. You had no idea that he would react like this."

"God. Please. Please just don't let me lose him. I'll do anything…just please keep him safe…"

Shawn was aware that he was praying out loud but he couldn't help it. His insides felt like they were burning and he wanted to cry. Eric and Jack were talking again, speaking in low tones, but Shawn could only focus on the prayers that kept flowing from his lips. He begged, he bribed, he pleaded. For the next hour, that's all he could do.

Finally, after almost an hour and a half, a doctor came out.

"Matthews?"

Jack, Eric, and Shawn stood up. Eric spoke first, calm and quiet though his eyes were blazing with fear and panic.

"We're his family. Is…is he okay?"

The doctor opened a door. "I'm Doctor Hanscom. Come on back."

Shawn's chest tightened again as he followed the doctor back through a long hallway. They followed him into a small room and were directed into seats. The doctor, an older man with salt and pepper hair, peered at them over the rim of his glasses.

"This is the second time your brother has attempted to commit suicide, correct?"

Eric nodded without speaking, his hand white-knuckled around Jack's.

"Cory is going to recover. Thankfully he was found in time and we were able to help him."

They let out a collective breath, visibly sagging. Shawn couldn't help the tears that began to stream down his cheeks. Still, the doctor wasn't done.

"I know this isn't my place but I feel that it would be beneficial to Cory if he were placed in an in-treatment facility. Two suicide attempts in less than six months hints at a deeper issue and I really feel that he would benefit from this." Doctor Hanscom said.

Eric and Jack turned to look at Shawn. "What do you think, Shawn?" Eric asked.

Shawn's mouth nearly dropped open in shock. "You're…you're asking me?" He asked.

Eric nodded. "You're his partner, Shawn. You should be the one to make this decision." He said, voice soft.

Shawn thought about it. He didn't like the idea of Cory being in one of those places. Mental wards had always scared him a bit, to be honest. But, at the same time, Doctor Hanscom was right. There had to be a deeper issue here and Cory couldn't get the help he needed unless he went somewhere. Reluctantly, he nodded.

"He's…he's not going to like it but I think it's what he needs." He said quietly.

Doctor Hanscom nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. He'll be in here for at least two more days. When he's released, he'll be released directly upstairs to our mental health ward. It's a decent center and we have the best psychologists in the state."

"Can we see him?" Shawn asked. He suddenly felt exhausted but all he wanted was to see Cory. To confirm that he was really okay.

"Of course. He's awake now and we're going to keep him awake for a while longer."

"Thank you."

Eric nodded at Shawn. "You go see him. I'm going to go call mom and dad. They had to wait until Morgan got out of school to come up." He said.

Shawn didn't say anything, just nodded gratefully at Eric and followed the doctor down another seemingly endless hallway. At the end of it, he was directed into a room on the right. Cory was on a bed in the center of the room. He looked small and lost and Shawn wanted to hold him. He didn't look around as Shawn entered the room, keeping his eyes on his hands. The tears running down his cheeks told him that Cory knew Shawn was there, though.

He didn't wait for Cory to say anything, didn't say anything himself. Climbing onto the bed beside Cory, Shawn pulled him into his arms and buried his face in Cory's shoulder. Cory went still for a minute before he wrapped his own arms around Shawn and began to cry softly.

"I'm sorry. You…you must hate me..." Cory whispered, his eyes filling again.

"Never. I love you. I will always love you."

"I screwed up again and I…I didn't mean to. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I do this shit. I feel so…so out of control all the time…" He admitted in a soft voice.

Shawn wiped the tears from Cory's face. "It's going to be okay." He paused. "You're going to have to go to the mental health ward, though."

Cory's eyes streamed and he gave a soft sob, wrapping his arms around himself. "You're leaving…I…I finally fucked everything up…" He whispered.

"No!" Shawn burst out. "No. Baby, that's not it at all. You just…you need help, Cor. You need to figure out what's wrong. I'm not leaving. I'll be there every day and when you come home, you'll come home with me. I promise."

Cory looked up at him. "You…you're not leaving? You promise?"

"I promised you once, Cor. I'm never leaving you. You're hurting right now and I don't think any of us knows what's really going on. But this is deeper than you're letting on and you need help." Shawn paused. "I love you, okay? I love you and I'm never going to leave you."

"I love you too."

Shawn kissed his forehead. "I know."

He made to sit in the chair next to the bed but Cory grabbed his hand. "Don't go. Please. Just…just hold me? Please?"

Shawn couldn't exactly turn him down. He situated himself next to Cory and held the other man close. Emotion and exhaustion wore them out and, before they knew it, they were asleep.


End file.
